Zombie Vampires in my Head

**Possible SPOILER ALERT for The Strain books/FX tv series- but not really**

I read Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan’s books The Strain and The Fall well before I knew FX was making a TV version (Ok, so maybe I only listened to them because heaven forbid I get time to read actual books.) The Night Eternal– the last in the trilogy- is up next on my Audible queue, if I can every get done listening to The Godfather.  I listened to those books without having any nightmares. I watch vampire and zombie and werewolf and psychopath human people-torturers without the slightest hint of a restless night. Sure, I’ll have dreams about fighting the reanimated corpses of my friends and family every now and then, but when your husband has spent your entire courtship and marriage training you for the eventual zombie apocalypse, things like that happen.

Last night was a different story for some reason. I went right to sleep after watching the latest episode of The Strain- no different from every other time I’ve watched the show- and immediately fell into a nightmare involving vampire-zombie monsters. Fun. Here’s what happened in my head:

I worked for the CDC. Awesome! I would love to work for the CDC! I worked under Ephraim Goodweather- one of the main characters of the book who has discovered the strain of parasite/virus dealie causing people to die (ish) and develop a serious craving for the blood of their loved ones. Good times. Eph realizes that someone who had worked with the infected bodies had gone home to their family. He sends me to her house with a portable X-Ray machine that, for some reason, looks a miniature version of the transilluminator that I use at real-life work. With the X-ray machine, I should be able to see the beginning of the abnormal vasculature and cartilage formations, even if they aren’t showing outward symptoms. (My dreams don’t have a science editor and I’m not sure if this would work.)

I get to wear totally spiffy orange safety glasses while I use it. Very chic.

So I head out to this woman’s house where she has 4 kids- 1 of them, for some bizarre reason, is one of my co-workers from the non-dream realm – I’ll call her Kaylee. I sedate the young children but leave the woman, her teenage daughter and Kaylee. I scan the teenage daughter with my little X-ray machine and see that, sadly, she is infected and will need to be destroyed. I don’t tell her yet, but tell her to go sit down.  I scan the little girl- infected. I lay her down next to her big sister. I scan Kaylee- clean as a whistle. I tell her that it’s probably because she follows good lab practices. Why? I don’t know. It’s dream-Me. I say weird things.

Then I noticed that Sedated Little Boy is no longer where I left Sedated Little Boy. FUUUCK. The woman goes looking for her son. I don’t see either of them anymore. Then I see that the woman’s husband is pulling into the driveway. I try to stop him, but he goes running and looking for the wife once he notices crazy scientician lady me in front of his house. Then I see Sedated Little Boy not-so-sedately walking through the yard with blood all over his grey face. Fab-friggin-tastic. For additional fab-friggin-tasticity, Sedated Little Girl has now joined the Bloodlust Bunch and is hunting down Daddy. Teenage Girl is just panicking on the front lawn like the teenage daughter in Poltergeist, being of no use to anyone.

Let me just stand here and scream while my family fights monster trees and pissed off spirits implode my house! (google image search)

I have no clue where Kaylee is and hope that it wasn’t her blood on the boy-monster’s face. I’m pretty sure the woman is infected somewhere. I’m equally sure her husband will be zombie-vampire chow very shortly. Being completely prepared for such a situation, I pull out my trusty kukri machete that I have specifically for dealing with such types of situations.

Or not.

Real-life Me knows that when dealing with a zombie-vampire outbreak, one should leave the house to investigate possible infected persons armed with at least a bloody pocketknife. Actually, I always have at least a pocketknife on me- zombie possibilities or not. Dream Me is under the impression that a crisp white lab coat and a magical X-ray box are all I need to take on the undead (half-dead? dead-ish?) hordes. Sigh.

I started bashing zombie-vampire skulls with a very expensive light box while Abraham (the old man with the cool sword/cane combo in The Strain) comes out of nowhere to slice and dice to try to save the day.

And then I woke up and checked that my kukri was still in under my nightstand and that my knife was still in my purse. All good.

The End. I hope you have enjoyed your trip through my sub-conscious.

 

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