Our Crappy Evening

Once upon a time, Thursday night was date night for Jay and I. We’d buy crappy frozen pub grub and a bottle of wine (ok, 2 bottles of wine – STOP JUDGING ME!) and cuddle up the couch to watch some superbly bad, B-rated horror flick via Netflix or the SciFi/Syfy channel. One of our absolute favorites was Monsturd. Brief synopsis: escaped con falls into raw sewage laced with waste from a mad scientists laboratory. Add in a $3000 production budget and murderous hilarity ensues.

Little did we know, we were predicting our own future.

A few years and a child later, we find ourselves in the same predicament as the victims in the movie: petrified and staring at a toilet in suspense and horror. We are potty training X and I, for one, think that fighting a giant mutant poo-monster would be much easier and a lot less stressful than convincing a 2 year old that peeing and pooping on the potty is the cool thing to do.

The day care people insist that he pees on the potty there. I am highly suspect of this because he has never peed in the potty at home, but I follow their orders and send Pull-Ups to day care instead of diapers.

Potty training does not look like this. Feel free to photoshop in piles of unused flushable wipes, the soggy Pull-Up on the floor, and a highball glass of your favorite mind-numbing beverage

We put him on the potty every once in a while to see if he’ll pee, but he never does. We rush him to bathroom when he makes his I’m-Pooping-But-I’m-Going-To-Tell-You-I’m-Not-Pooping face. He sits there for a whopping 14 seconds before saying “Mommy, all done” and runs off leaving nothing behind to flush. Within the next 10 minutes he craps his pants and either Jay and I are stuck changing a poopy Pull-Up. Super fun! This happens every. single. time.

It hasn’t happened, though, for the last 2 weeks. Why? Because the kid has been constipated and I had no friggin’ clue until he came home last week in the school’s pants because a week’s worth of poo all came out at once and his poor Pull-Up stood no chance. Bad mommy. I know. Show me a perfect one. Anyway, a week after the explosion, he hadn’t pooped again. We gave him straight juice to loosen him up. That didn’t work. Jay wanted to get him an enema. I said, “Ewww. No.” and picked up some prune juice instead.

After he chugged back a good 6 ounces of prune juice out of his Lightning McQueen cup, he started complaining that his belly hurt. He only just recently learned this phrase so he sometimes says it for no good reason. I knew he had to have a reason this time. I put him on the potty and read all 4 of his Batman board books (that are ever so riveting.) No poo was expelled. I knew that had to mean that he was going to crap his pants within 10 minutes so I put him in a real diaper instead of another pair of training pants.

A little while later it was bath time. While the tub filled I put him on the potty again. Nothing. But he looked really uncomfortable. The prune juice had to be doing its thing in there. Jay came in and read him his favorite book- the Goat Story (or Three Billy Goats Gruff as you and I know it.) X was really in poo-related pain and cried and got really upset but he pooped! Finally! Ya-hoo!

Into the tub the kid went… and a streak of poo anointed the tub floor. Spew. I took X out of the tub while Jay drained and cleaned the tub for a retry. X was still complaining about his belly hurting so he ASKED to go back on the potty. This time, I read him the Goat Story while he sat there uncomfortable and red-faced. And he peed! And then he pooped again! We not only got him un-constipated but may have also gotten him to recognize when he needs to pee and poop! Holy crap! (pun completely intended) I hope this is a turning point in the potty training department.

All in all we probably spent about 45 minutes in the bathroom talking a toddler through the pooping experience. Romantic date night, huh?