All the Young Dudes

A wise, albeit fictional, woman once said:

So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair – ew – and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon?

I don't think so. (OK but actually I did- I swooned over the grungy dudes)

Well, Cher Horowitz, I’ll take these 1995 slackers back anytime. Let me think, you turned 16 when Clueless debuted back then. That makes you  just a few years older than me. We can have a nice little chat about the guys now who are so much more ‘ew’-worthy. Maybe it’s because I’m now the mother of a boy who will one day be a teenage boy. Maybe I’m just getting old and seeing those darn teenage hooligans. But there are definitely some fashions and trends that I hope fall out of style and don’t come back as “retro” in the late 2020’s when X will be a young dude.
Skinny Jeans
Some girls can get away with skinny jeans. Some. No guy can. Unless you are the front man for a Whitesnake tribute band AND the pants are electric blue zebra print AND they are only worn on stage, skinny jeans are NOT appropriate.



Pants on the Ground
I spend all day trying to keep my pants UP.  And doesn’t your butt get cold?
Thankfully, this trend seems to ebbing slightly.
Or is it?


Skinny Jeans on the Ground!!
Baggy jeans on the ground at least make sense according to physics. If your pants are 3 sizes too big and you aren’t wearing a belt, they will fall down.  Skinny jeans should not be able to do this, which means the wearer must actively pull down their own pants. Huh?



Boys needed more hairstyling time than girls
No guy should spend 40 minutes working on his hair. Especially if the final result is this. And don’t try to tell me that your hair naturally falls like that, Dude with the Feathered Bangs. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s. It took 2 combs, 3 brushes, a hairdryer, curling iron, my mom, 2 friends, a bottle of scrunch spray and a can of Aqua-Net to achieve that look.




Ed Hardy and TapouT

Let's not even discuss the that-skin-tone-doesn't-exist-in-nature thing

I have noticed that people in Ed Hardy shirts do not actually have tattoos. If they do have tattoos, they are of the rather stupid panther-scratching-down-your-shoulder variety. People in TapouT gear (unless they are actually standing in the UFC octagon with someone else’s blood on their knuckles) tend to look like they have never been in fight or possibly never been in a gym. The wearing of either shirt has a strong correlation with my urge to punch you.
X, if you read this one day and find yourself in possession of any of these articles, do not leave them at home. I will find them and burn them. If you wear your pants any lower than your hips, I will staple them to your belly button.  If it is your hair, lock your door at night – oh wait you don’t have a lock… oh well- because I’ll be shaving your head while you sleep.