Listen, Little ‘Wakeful’ One

Dear X,

For the last two nights, you have been waking up between 3 and 4 am and then proceeding to not go back to sleep until, oh, ever. Daddy dealt with you the first night. Last night (this morning?) was Mommy’s turn. Mommy would love for you to soothe yourself back to sleep, but Daddy has a dangerous job and Mommy has a long commute down a winding parkway. We can’t afford to be kept awake by your incessant screaming. If you must wake up and announce it to the whole village, could you please try to wake up maybe around midnight? Then maybe Mommy and Daddy can fall back asleep before our 6am alarm wakes us to go to the jobs we need to pay for your unending eating and peeing obsession.

Mommy understands that you have a lot going on in your life right now. At nearly four months old, you have learned all about the outside world and (for some reason) want to experience it to the last drop. Sleeping just cuts into your adventure time and you want nothing to do with it. Well, here’s a piece of advice for you: SUCK IT UP AND DEAL! As adorable as you are, the universe does not revolve around you (Mommy read you Merlin’s Tour of the Universe so you should really know all about astrophysics by now.) Most grown-ups sleep at night and so should you. We do not enjoy fumbling around the kitchen to make you a bottle in the wee hours. Not only is it not enjoyable, but it wakes up our little doxie, Brutus. Then Brutus starts to cry and Mommy and Daddy have to listen to the yelps of both you AND the dog.

As you take your morning nap at the babysitter’s house, please take the time to meditate on this: had mommy known that the ‘4-Month Wakeful Period’ existed, you would probably be singing backup vocals for the Prom Night Dumpster Baby.

Relax, Mommy wouldn't actually abandon a child in a dumpster.**

This is probably why nobody tells mommies about this until their babies are almost 4 months old. The species would have ended a long time ago had mother’s shared this kind of information with their daughters. You are one lucky little guy that Grandma followed suit.

Sincerely,

Mommy

 

**The black market is so much more profitable. Blue-eyed infant boys are a big seller.

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