A Pregnancy-Induced Rant

I haven’t been baking much in the last few weeks. This is mostly because I am currently 8 months pregnant  and I am tired. I can’t sleep because I am always uncomfortable. If its not my hips hurting, its my ribs from little Baby X shoving his feet or bum under them.  So I am exhausted.

There I said it. And if anyone comments with any variation on “get used to it” I will track them down, drug them and keep them in a cage next to my beagle, feeding them kibble until the zombie virus outbreaks begin and then use their weakened body as bait to distract the undead hordes while my family and I escape to Nova Scotia.

it won't be long

Please pardon the rant, but now that I am so close to the end of my 9 month stint as an incubator, I have come to some conclusions about the whole pregnancy spiel.

At the moment of conception, a strange thing happens to a mom-to-be. She loses all of her rights to have an opinion or express her discomfort to other females. I have studied primatology and anthropology, but cannot find the origins of this phenomenon. The earliest known evidence I could find was a 1.7 million year old cave painting in Lesotho depicting a young Homo ergaster woman with a pronounced belly and bags under her eyes accompanied by an older hominid female laughing at her. The pictograms below the image roughly translate to “Well, that’s pregnancy getting you ready for sleepless nights with an infant.”

Did she have to deal with this?

Everyone feels the need to ask a pregnant woman how they are feeling but then writes off anything that they say in response. If I say “oh i’m feeling pretty good,” I get the reply “oh just wait until you start feeling <insert random symptom>.”  If I tell them how I am actually feeling (i.e. tired or achy or big), I get “get used to it” or “that’s pregnancy” or some other sarcastic remark. The only people who actually respond constructively are women who are pregnant and just a few weeks ahead or have had a child within the last 18 months. Those people will at least try to recommend sleep positions or a good bottle of pinot grigio.  Thus, Conclusion #1 is that pregnancy should only be truthfully discussed with co-preggos and new moms.

Co-preggos and new moms are, however, not to be spoken to when it comes to what to do with the child after it has been born (with a few exceptions.) This is Conclusion #2. I will only discuss baby care with people who have had more than one child or gave birth more than 2 years ago (with a few exceptions) and will supplement their advice with modern research, my pediatrician, and my own common sense, scientific reasoning and logic. Pregnant people and new moms have done nothing but make me think “holy crap, i’m going to be the worst mom ever.”

I feel like I might as well be leaving the kid in a bouncy seat next to my home-made meth lab instruments sucking on a non-bpa-free baby bottle full of bourbon when I tell new moms that I will not be breastfeeding or that I have no intention of waking an healthy child in the middle of the night for a feeding if he isn’t already awake. **Note to potential comment makers: you will receive the same treatment as the above “get used to it” commentators if you try to make me feel bad for these things.

More experienced moms are much better at the whole parenting advice thing. They seem to understand that babies are not quite as fragile and helpless as the baby books would make you think. They won’t die if you leave them in a wet diaper for more than 10 minutes. The crib mattress does not have to be at any particular firmness as tested by NASA engineers. Crying does not always equal colic and an extra poopy diaper on a given Tuesday does not mean that the baby has irritable bowel syndrome.

Now that all of that is off my chest, Here is Conclusion #3: I really want a cupcake right now.